Some of my best "Onion"-style headlines
1. Ke$ha now goes by Kesha and claims it’s “like what Cat Stevens did”.
2. Woman tells riveting story of entering Target with one idea of what she needs, and leaving with another.
3. Malcom Gladwell explores correlation between funny hats and fear in his latest book: “Kim Jong un: The Fedora Model”
4. TV screens malfunction and customers pump gas in pure silence.
5. Hurricane Irma approaches and UF sorority is out of La Croix.
6. Eyor finally diagnosed with clinical depression but finds medication a real “bother”
7. Along with new face-scanning technology, the I phone x will now get better service when you hold it up in the air.
8. Gwen Stefani of “The Voice” hurled into crowd during spinning chair malfunction.
9. Lonely Airbnb host promises guests generous discount if they’ll watch “The Notebook” with her before they leave.
10. David Lynch quits film but then a cowboy from a cryptic dream manifests into a producer who talks him out of it.
11. Company’s IT division fires employee for being deplorably personable.
12. Latino teenager comes out to family as Presbyterian.
13. Urban Outfitters’ new children’s section includes coffee-table book, “The Little Engine that ‘can’t even’.
14. Amazon will now deliver your baby.
15. Man sentenced to life in prison but plans to build cool fucking library while he’s there.
16. Hamlet orders the chicken kiev and sticking with it until the appetizers come out.
17. Invasive plant confronts entitlement issues.
18. Google glass makes a comeback through improved monacle design.
19. Julie Andrews carries oversized floral print purse to the Oscars for 53rd year in a row.
20. NRA-approved gun redesign makes child safety lock more intuitive for children
21. Vladamir Putin’s new puppy plots world domination.
22. Man asked to leave art museum because of indecent exposure in and of cargo shorts.
23. NBA drafts human embryo.
24. Man feeding seagulls gets what he deserves.
25. Furries take over nudist colony.
26. Trump will only tweet twice today as he did not make his bed this morning.
27. Ad agency builds new facility without ping-pong tables.
28. Ad executive announces his gender re-brand.
29. GAP embraces the phrase “basic bitch” in new ad campaign.
30. Rehab ultimate betrayal: patient falls in love with his best friend’s therapy horse.